


Trapped in the Past

by petiteneko



Category: Dragon Ball
Genre: Angst, Depression, Fluff, M/M, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-08-06
Updated: 2017-08-16
Packaged: 2018-02-05 21:12:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1832455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/petiteneko/pseuds/petiteneko
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The past can sometimes be a nice place to visit, however one should not spend too much time lingering in times already long gone if one can help it…</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. 0: Future

**Author's Note:**

> Just going to add quite a few notes about this fanfiction. My apologies as it is a bit long. (If you wish to skip, you can go near the end and my warnings are there. But if you have any questions please refer to the notes if you are skipping them prior to asking, as an answer to your question may be there.
> 
> 1\. EDIT: I realise the previous stuff was confusing so:  
>  _Flashbacks_ (Note, emphasis will typically be bolded during these)  
>  _ **Thoughts, or a dramatic single liner.**_ ** **(If, by chance, there's an emphasis in the thoughts, the font will change. Probably either resort back to normal, or lose the bold.)****  
> .+++. Is a time/scene skip  
> .xxx Is a change in PoV
> 
> 2\. If anybody who has read my old version of this fanfiction: No. This is not stolen. I am in the process of re-writing this story, because, looking back on it, I really disliked where it was going and where it has already gone. And, this story is going to end up rather different than the previous one. Certain events will be changed or deleted, as well as new events will take place. While the general plot still remains the same, it will become vastly different than the first.
> 
> If you have any questions, just ask me! I will try to answer with the best of my ability. (I may NOT be able to answer however, as I am using this formatting for plot-related purposes, and do not wish to ruin anything)
> 
> 3\. Oh and do note: The first few chapters will sort of be summations and descriptions, and the perspectives sort of move around a bit, where it's not quite exactly a flash back, but more like the character is describing his feelings from years ago. But they are necessary to set up for the rest of the story.
> 
> 4\. And while I try to not use a lot of Japanese words in my works, I will be using them for particular cases, such as races. (I have never been a fan of the word: Namekian, for example. I prefer using the Japanese version of it) Some examples shall be:  
> Namekian = Namekuseijin  
> Saiyan = Saiyajin  
> Tien = Tenshinhan  
> Nimbus = Kinto'un
> 
> When I think of more I shall add them to the list!
> 
> 5\. **Warnings** : Depression. There also may be nondescript mentions of suicidal thoughts. And there also is mentions of character deaths. There is heavy angst in this fanfiction, or at least in the beginning, so I want to warn you.
> 
> If there are any more warnings I shall inform you, as I am in the process of re-writing this fanfiction and things may change. (Now my notes will be significantly shorter following this)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey. I actually have some inspiration for this. (Truth be told I have 6 chapters potentially ready. I'm just going through my edits to ensure I've got everything I need) So here we go, some DBZ stuff. (Y'all can thank my dream. I dreamt I was Frieza last night.) I'm also going to add some more tags :D

_Future_

It was something that scared him. It was something that he truly feared.

Because he knew just exactly how _things could be._

.+++.

“Big brother!”

Gohan turned at the sound of his name, smiling down at that cheer-filled young face. Goten, that was the name of this child.

**_A child who may have never existed._ **

It had been nine years. _Nine years._ And now, Gohan could not picture a life without this young boy at his side.

**_But he knew such a life existed. Such a life continued to exist._ **

A spiky-haired head tilted to the side. “Big brother?”

Gohan shook the thoughts from his mind and picked up the child with ease. “Sorry Goten, I was just remembering something.”

He needed to hide the wince.

.+++.

_This golden ki. He recognized it. It was like his father’s! It was just like it. Super Saiyajin – Vegeta called it. But wait! That wasn’t his father. No. The ki wasn’t quite right. Just who was this stranger?_

_He watched in awe as this stranger defeated somebody his father almost died trying to defeat. And he then watched as they defeated somebody even stronger than that._

_Part of him wondered if he could get that strong._

_Golden hair and teal eyes faded, and in their place was hair of flowers, and eyes of the skies. Purple and blue._

_Such calming colours…_

_“I’m going to go meet Son Goku!”_

_He decided he’d follow that man anywhere._

Trunks. That is who that was, even if Gohan would not know of that name until many years later. Bulma mentioned that he looked like Vegeta – and as an afterthought that certainly made sense. Gohan did recognise that there just was this _something_ that was familiar about him but he just couldn’t quite place it.

Perhaps it was just a childish hope, but Gohan had been the first to trust Trunks, and he was the first to follow him. Because it didn’t matter who this stranger was as long as he knew where his dad would be! It didn’t matter that there was something dark in those eyes when nobody was looking. (Or when he thought nobody was looking. Gohan knew that it was impolite to stare but he just couldn’t help it.) He wanted to figure out what this darkness was. It wasn’t evil… but he knew it wasn’t good for this man. It burdened him. A responsibility that he didn’t want or like.

And part of him wondered: was it like how he felt?

This man was so strong… Just like his dad.

**_Just like him._ **

.+++.

While Gohan had always tried to not linger on the past, he could not help but… ponder.

Certainly, he tried to think past it, certainly, he tried to believe that Trunks was fine and just… forget about it.

But there always this lingering thought. This little trail. And he wanted to just _know_ how their saviour was doing. Because if it were not for his saviour he would have lost his father.

**_A father he hardly had in the first place._ **

_Gohan had barely seen his dad in the last three years. Ever since his dad died there had been separation between them. First it was because of training and because of death. Next it was because of injuries and a need to go to Namek to revive their friends that had died because of Nappa and Vegeta. When his dad finally showed up on that distant planet in space, they had no time together. No, his dad had to face Frieza, and then they all thought him to be dead…_

_And when they found that to not be the case, it was space that separated him. His dad wanted to train again… and it had been **so** long. So long since he spend more than a scant few days with his father. Had a hug, a kiss…_

_He missed his dad. But he was also mad at him._

_For, before everything started happening, his did spent a lot of time with him. Before these strange people started attacking Earth. Before all the people he knew started dying. He would take him out into the woods, they’d go hunting and fishing, his dad would teach him cool things. (Gohan **liked** martial arts, he just didn’t like to fight people.) And his dad would get him away from those big, long, scary books._

_It had been so long…. He just had his seventh birthday a few months before. His dad wasn’t there: there was no smiles, no hugs, no “Happy Birthday Son!”_

_And it made him angry. It made him sad._

_When he finally met his dad again, he didn’t know what he was going to do. Part of him wanted to hug him, but another part had wanted to scream and hit him with his fists. But one thing that Gohan knew for certain was that he wanted his dad back._

So that was why he trusted Trunks; that was why he followed Trunks. And also because of that strange familiarity what was not at all related to Bulma’s likening him to Vegeta.

It felt almost like home.

So much of that made sense now. Because Trunks was a man from the future. Trunks was the one he had trained in another life. Because Trunks had the same beliefs as he did. Because he taught Trunks the same things he learned from Piccolo.  
And that was why Gohan could not help but wonder. Did their selfless hero from the future have a happy ending as they did? He worried… because was it not _he_ who left that wondrous man all alone in a land full of terror? (Now he understood that darkness that had lay inside those cryptic sky-blue eyes, and how he wished he _didn’t._ ) And he just so _desperately_ wanted him to have that happy ended they were all trying for.

…Sometimes he wished that he would come and visit. Update them on how his world was going.

It had been so long… He was only seven when Frieza attacked, only eleven when he _finally_ was able to know more about Trunks.

He missed his friend from the future.

A small smile graced the eldest son of Goku as he remembered the lavender-haired warrior that he looked up to as a kid. The warrior whom he would be training at this current moment if it weren’t for that man’s actions. (Although, it would be the Trunks of this time, if he were truly honest) He truly hoped the best for the man who saved his life.

That smile quickly faded into a twitch of _something._

“Gohan! Supper’s ready!”

“Coming Mother!” There was a glance to his closet before Gohan hurried down the stairs.

It’ll be fine. It _had_ to be.

Trunks deserved it after all.


	2. 1: Power

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I should mention: This story is seven years old, so Super did not exist at the time of writing. Also have not watched much of it yet.  
> (I set up a ko-fi account guys! Feel free to donate! Link in profile!)

_Power._

While Gohan had hated fighting, he couldn’t really say he was scared stiff of it. Certainly, as a child it froze him stiff, it cost him the lives of many, but none of it compared to then.

Fighting didn’t leave him screaming in the night for weeks on end…

.+++.

_Androids._

_Not green._

_Not this laughter._

_Not all of their horrors combined in one…_

_Androids. That’s what Trunks had come to warn them about. That’s what Trunks was terrified of. Androids. Not this._

_Not this monstrosity._

Gohan sat up, his eyes wide, his pulse racing. He placed his head in his hands, trying to calm his breath, trying to calm _himself._ Trying to shut out that mocking, sarcastic, proud laughter.

_Goku!_

**Look! Look! Look at what you have done!**

“Shut up… shut up…”

**Grow, grow, let it grow…**

“Stop… Stop…”

**Look at him. Look at this weakling.**

Gohan resisted screaming, settling for rocking himself back and forth. So long! _So long!_ He had been free! He had done so well! So why? Why were these dreams coming back _now?_ There was no threat! It was peaceful, so peaceful!

That laughter rung in his head again.

_“Who…”_

Gohan shook his head. No. Push it back. Don’t think about it. Forget it. It’s the only way. He sighed before going to the bathroom and ran cool water on his face.

He just could not get that voice out of his head.

_“Who was that who I hit?”_

.+++.

“Gohan!”

Chi-Chi was standing there, one hand on her hip holding a parcel, the other waving at him. “Don’t tell me you are going to go without your lunch!” She scolded at him, waggling her index finger at him with accusation. 

A wary smile graced his face.

He couldn’t sleep after what he had dreamed. After what he _remembered._ And because of that he was tired physically and also emotionally exhausted.

Of course he would forget something.

“Sorry Mother. I almost forgot.” He gave her a chaste kiss on her cheek, taking the packed lunch with a bashful smile. “Thank you.” With that, he returned to the skies, hearing his mother’s voice call out to him.

Thankfully, she didn’t notice any change in his behaviour.

“Don’t forget to say hello to my daughter-in-law Gohan!”

_**Videl…** _

That’s who his mother meant.

The young woman he had met during his final year at high school. Certainly he knew _of_ her prior to that, but he never _knew_ her.

_She was the popular daughter of Hercule Satan. He the nerdy home-schooled boy at his first year of public school._

_While certainly they did have quite the common grounds to interact on, it was only Gohan who knew of those common grounds. It was only Gohan who could initiate them, and he wouldn’t._

_He didn’t need the fame, he didn’t need the fortune. He didn’t need nor **want** the attention._

_He didn’t want to be known as the hero of the world. He didn’t want to be known as the one who defeated Cell._

_He was no hero… he just wanted to stop the terror._

_He wanted it all to end._

_**He was no hero.** _

_But it was Videl who noticed anyway._

_**He was no hero.** _

_But Videl thought otherwise._

At first, his mother had gone and paired him up with Videl when he began to teach her how to fly. (He knew the initial reason was Videl’s family’s fortune – a fortune he should have had but he did not. However, he also knew that she was not all that selfish. While they were dwindling low on his grandfather’s fortunes, his mother would have never forced him on anybody, and she had known that Videl herself was a strong, independent woman. Videl was similar to who she was, and she knew that Gohan needed to have a woman like that, and the one he would marry needed to be strong and independent. He was his father’s son, and as they say, the apple does not fall too far from the tree.) However, Gohan had noticed affection for the young woman developing on its own. And when his mother found out that the two had started dating, she was ecstatic.

It had been almost a year now, and he was happy, he was content, but he couldn’t be certain he could say the same for Videl…

There were times where his girlfriend was filled with confusion, or sadness. There was just this _expression_ on her face, and he didn’t know how to solve it.

She was his first relationship, his first everything.

_**...Well, almost his first everything…** _

He shook that out of his mind and sighed.

Relationships were hard.

.+++.

As he approached the roof of their college-to-be, he was enthusiastically greeted by Videl.

“Gohan!”

He wrapped his arms loosely around her waist and spun her as they both landed on the roof. “Hello Videl. My mother sends her greetings as well.”

Her blue eyes rolled.

_Blue. Blye eyes. They were wide in shock. In surprise. In **pain.**_

Suddenly Gohan felt like he was going to lose his breakfast.

“She always does that.”

Gohan pushed the emotions, pushed the churning nausea, ~~pushed her~~ away. “Yeah.” He let a soft laugh. Hopefully Videl would take it for embarrassment and not discomfort. “She called you her daughter-in-law too.” He pushed the embarrassing subject to hide his current emotions.

“The first girl you’re with and she’s already handing out wedding invitations, isn’t she?” She teased him, jabbing him with her elbow.

Good, she was taking the bait. “Well, she hasn’t gone _that_ far!” Good, the memory was going away…

“ _Yet._ ”

They both laughed.

.+++.

Perhaps he was a little distant, but he hoped his friends would think it was because he was focused on studying. They always did call him a nerd anyway.

But looking at Videl, it _hurt._ And it wasn’t her fault. It just happened to be just who she was, just who her father was to be exact. What her father stood for. What he represented.

_“Tricks! Tricks! That’s all it is!”_

_Gohan wondered, did that man still think they were tricks? Oh **he’d** show him otherwise._

His head, it hurt. As soon would his chest. And eventually he’d become so tired that he couldn’t even focus on a single task at hand.

He hated it.

And he hated that he was so _used_ to it.

As they walked out to lunch, he felt Videl’s hand on his arm.

“Gohan…” There was worry. Worry in those blue, _blue_ eyes.

He winced and glanced away.

_**Maybe she didn’t take the bait after all…** _

“Something’s wrong.”

“I… just couldn’t sleep last night. That’s all.”

He couldn’t burden her. He couldn’t tell her. She would never understand. She _could never_ understand.

“That’s bullshit.”

He turned to her at her language, but immediately regretted it, as he saw a very familiar determined expression on her face.

Then she sighed. “I… listen Gohan. I know, I know there are things I don’t understand, but I’m here, alright? I’m always here.” Her grip on his arm tightened. “Besides, isn’t that what a fiancée is for?”

There was that soft, teasing grin on her face – even if it was weak. He appreciated her efforts – he truly did – but something so… _minor_ , it couldn’t lift what plagued him. His head shook. “I am sorry Videl.” And he patted her shoulder before turning around.

He didn’t miss seeing that torn expression of _something_ on her face. That sadness.

“Gohan… _please._ ” She pleaded.

That _desire._


	3. 2: Fighting

_Fighting._

Even the very word made him cringe. And yet, that is all that he knew. It was what his life revolved around. His father was a fighter, and that was what brought his parents together. And if his father had not fought to protect him, then his uncle would have taken him off to space. And how many times would their planet of Earth – their entire universe – had have been destroyed if they had not fought?

Fighting.

It was all the he ever did. And he _hated_ it.

He didn’t want to. He wished he could just refuse to. He wished he could just forget about it all. But no. No, they wouldn’t let him. They never would.

Raditz. Piccolo. Vegeta. _Frieza._

So much fighting, so much death…. All fighting ever brought was death, destruction, chaos, pain. Why? Just why did anybody fight? Why did they start it? And why did _he_ have to end it?

_The world needs you._  
The universe needs you.  
Save us.  
Save us Gohan. 

Everything started so early – _too early._ Earth’s saviour. That’s who he was. Earth’s last hope. That was him. At four years old. Everything only went downhill from then. He always had to get stronger, faster, better. His father died and they had one year to prepare. He had to grow up. He had to grow stronger. Because his father was dead. Piccolo, that’s what his trainer’s name was. The green-coloured man (was Piccolo a man? A monster? A demon? Gohan didn’t know.) took him away and took him in as his pupil. However, Gohan knew nothing, he was so lost and confused. He didn’t know what it meant to fight, he didn’t know how to fight, and most of all _he didn’t want to fight._ But he had to. Had to protect Earth from the bad guys.

At first, he was left alone in the wilderness. And there he _had_ to learn to fight, or he would not survive. There he had to learn how to eat, how to find food. He learned from his instincts, and he began to know and understand when something was coming. And then eventually Piccolo returned, Piccolo trained him, he _taught_ him.

But still, he didn’t like it. At all. But it was something he had to do, something he had to learn. It was just like those big books his mom gave him.

There was a lot he learned from that single year.

Fighting wasn’t as bad as he thought it was, it was a tool. It was a means to get done what needed to be done. Fighting wasn’t _evil._

No, what fighting was was protection. It was survival. It was something that he needed to do. It was how he could stop bad people from doing bad things.

But that was not everything that Piccolo taught him.

No, he learned that Piccolo was not as scary as people said he was. (Certainly though, he was scared at first: how he felt that it was just another form of survival, that Piccolo would _really_ kill him if he didn’t fight back.) He learned that he wasn’t weak. Piccolo showed him the power he held within him – even if he didn’t believe it at first. Did _he_ really make that giant blast? No, it couldn’t have been him, could it? (But another part of him reasoned: was he not his father’s son? Why else would Piccolo be wasting his time training him when he could have made himself even stronger?)

And, he learned that he was strong, and that _because_ of that strength, he learned that he _had_ to fight.

“With great strength comes great responsibility.”

Gohan read that somewhere in the many textbooks his mother gave him, and while, at the time, he didn’t understand it (just like he didn’t truly understand just _what_ Piccolo had really taught him during that year) as he grew older, he began to learn just what it meant. Just what Piccolo meant. Namek was where he finally began to comprehend it all…

Certainly he knew that Vegeta was going to use the Dragon Balls for a bad reason, but at five years old he really didn’t understand what it meant. He didn’t know the ramifications of that action. Just that it was bad because everybody said it was bad.

But Namek…

_Namek._

With Namek came Frieza. With Frieza came death. And then... _Then_ he finally understood the consequences.

With Frieza came _terror._

_There was blood. Blood everywhere. It was purple. But it was blood. There were pieces of these people all over the place. Their faces were so **scared** and Gohan couldn’t blame them._

_He was scared too._

_He was terrified._

_But he was also so… so **angry.**_

Frieza needed to be stopped. Here, now. Before his chaos and terror could infect other lands, before it could get stronger, before it could do any more damage. And it was up to him. He was the one who needed to fight. He was the one who needed to protect. All because it was he who was the one who was strong.

It took Raditz for anybody to realize, it took Piccolo for him to realize, and it took Frieza for him to fully understand that very strength. So that was why he agreed when the Grand Elder asked to tap into his potential. And that was why, when Frieza had returned to Earth, Gohan had donned the Saiyajin armour and flew out to face him. He didn’t want what happened on Namek to happen on Earth. It didn’t matter that he didn’t like fighting, it didn’t matter that he was probably too weak to really do anything, it didn’t matter that he wasn’t a Super Saiyajin like his dad. No, all that mattered was that small maybe. That _maybe_ he could do something of use, and just _maybe_ he could do anything to stop this attack. Gohan accepted this. He accepted that if he had to fight, he _would._ He would stop those who only wanted to hurt, because that was his responsibility.

It never crossed his mind how much of significance those thoughts would have on his future…


	4. 3. Memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wow this chapter is dark.  
> I realise the previous stuff was confusing so:  
>  _Flashbacks_ (Note, emphasis will typically be bolded during these)  
>  _ **Thoughts, or a dramatic single liner.**_ (If, by chance, there’s an emphasis in the thoughts, the font will change. Probably either resort back to normal, or lose the bold.)  
> .+++. Is a time/scene skip  
> .xxx Is a change in PoV

_Memories_

Perhaps, deep down Gohan _knew_ but he didn’t want to accept it. Perhaps he was trying to fool himself. Perhaps he was just trying to _forget._

Because he knew what remembering _did._

.+++.

Gohan settled down on a mountain, looking off in the distance.

_It was for the best._

_Things were better off this way._

_Listen to them._

_It’s the right thing to do._

**You can’t trust your own judgement anyway.**

He screamed.

The chaos inside of his mind echoed out into the emptiness the surrounded him.

Everything hurt and _he was so tired of it._

He thought it was the right thing to do… He thought that he truly had felt again.

_Smart. Intelligent. Kind._

_That was the words they used to describe Trunks._

_They finally knew who this young man from the future was. They finally figured out that mystery. But now was not the time to revel on that fact. Or to mull on those minor details._

_They needed to stop the androids._

_But why, he wondered, was there this fluttering in his chest? Why did he feel light?_

_And why did it happen whenever he thought of Trunks?_

_Of their selfless hero from the future…_

Gohan looked at his hands, feeling an overwhelming guilt shadow over him.

Because he _knew._ He knew, and he didn’t say anything. He let it continue. He let it progress. But he knew, and he did _nothing_ otherwise.

_**Videl was nothing like Trunks. She never would be.** _

At first, he thought that those feelings would develop. That flutter in his chest. That happiness. That calmness. That peacefulness. He liked seeing her smile. He liked seeing her laugh. And he figured that yes, these were the same emotions. That these were the same feelings he felt for the one in his past. Certainly, they only were small because he didn’t look up to Videl as he did to Trunks. That he didn’t idolize her. That he wasn’t eternally grateful to her. But they’d develop. They’d grow stronger. They’d become that same intensity he felt all those years ago once he really got to know her.

But they never did. They never improved. They never got stronger. They never became deeper. And it perturbed him when he found that out.

**_Blue eyes haunted him._ **

And yet… was he not _happy_ for once? Was he not content?

Darker thoughts entered his mind.

Because Videl made him forget, and that was something he had aimed for for _so long._ He _wanted_ to forget. Forget his first _real_ emotional feelings for another. Forget a childish wish that they just _might_ come back. _Forget Trunks._ Forgot what he _meant._

He wanted to move on, and escape this horror that has been his life since… since…

**_Then._ **

It was Videl who made him realize that he was not alone, that he still had another chance at love. Because he could see a future with the woman he was with. He could see a happy, content, calm life.

He could see peace, when he had never found it.

Videl gave him that peace, even if he did not feel for her the way she felt for him.

She was happy… wasn’t she?

_He could see that expression as he pulled away – too soon. Too soon it said. More. A bit more. A little longer. Stay. Please. A little further._

He convinced himself despite the doubts.

But deep down, he _knew._ He knew how wrong it was. How wrong he was. How much Videl yearned for more. How _little_ he yearned. How much he was denying this wondrous woman.

Because he knew just exactly what she yearned for – it was something he never felt for her. _Only him._

But he denied it. He didn’t want to face it.

_**He wanted to be happy for once.** _

But it needed to stop.

**_He needed to stop._ **

Even if that meant remembering Trunks.

**_He was having the nightmares anyway._ **

.+++.

_“I believe in you.”_

_No. No! What was his father saying?_

_“Go on.”_

_He didn’t understand! No! No! Please stop!_

_“You can do it!”_

_No! He didn’t want to! No! He didn’t! Couldn’t his father do it? Couldn’t Vegeta?! Or Trunks! What about Trunks! Their saviour from the future! Anybody! Anybody but him! Why? Why did it have to be him!_

_He didn’t want to!_

_“I trust you!”_

_**No. Please. No! Please! Please stop!** _

_“You’re the only one who can do this.”_

_**I’m terrified!** _

When he woke, there were tears in his eyes.

_“You’re our last hope!”_

Gohan covered his ears and shook his head. Why?

Why?

Why did everybody place their trust in him?

He had been so young… too young.

_“He… he did it.”_

Maybe he did… but at what cost?

.+++.

The night air helped to calm his nerves a bit.

But it did nothing to lift his spirits. He clutched at his knees and he trembled. He wanted to forget. He wanted to avoid it. He wanted to block it out.

But just how could he?

He was no longer a child.

He didn’t have those excuses. They didn’t understand – they didn’t _know._ Nobody did. And he couldn’t – _wouldn’t_ – explain. It would only break their hearts. It would only cause distance. And they’d try to fix it.

_**It wasn’t something that could be fixed.** _

In this, he was alone. He would always be.

There was a glance out to the skies, out towards the one location he always retreated to.

**_Piccolo._ **

There was this understanding between the two of them. There was this… he just couldn’t explain it. But Piccolo understood – not what was bothering him, but that _something_ was bothering him deep down and that he didn’t want to talk about it. Piccolo understood and respected it.

He knew that maybe Piccolo would understand, but at the same time…

Gohan was afraid.

He wasn’t ready.

_He didn’t want to._

He could hear that laughter in the back of his head, the one he had been trying to tone out.

**“Is that the best you can do? From all that boasting I expected better of you.”**

“Shut up… Shut up please.”

He wanted these nightmares to stop.

**“So weak. So pathetic. Why do I even bother?”**

.+++.

He needed to do this. He had to.

After spending most of his night sitting on the roof of his house, Gohan had settled on figuring out just what he would say to Videl. How he would say it. He needed to let her go, he needed to let her live her life. He was holding her back, he was stopping her from experiencing wondrous emotions and feelings. He was… he was _using_ her. Videl was a passionate woman and deserved to be loved that way. She didn’t deserve to _settle_ for meek and indifferent love.

**_She deserved better than him._ **

He knew it would break her heart, but it _was_ for the best. He did not love her the way she loved him, but it didn’t mean he _didn’t_ love her. No, he loved her like a sister, a dear friend, not as a lover. And it was _because_ he cared for her that he did this. Videl deserved happiness, and one she would not have with him. For it was he who misread his emotions. He was the one who continued it regardless of that.

**It’s your fault. You should have known better Gohan. You should have done better. You should have listened, but you didn’t, did you?**

He was the one to blame.

And _this_ time he would fix it.


	5. 4. Saviour

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter hurts the heart. At least mine.

_Saviour_

That was _him._ That was that man from the future. _Not_ him.

They had told Gohan that he was Earth's last hope. That it fell to him. That he was the saviour.

He sure didn't feel like it.

.xxx.

"No! No!" The shouts came from one man as he held his head, shaking it in denial. “ ** _No!!_** ”

In response, a second man cried out. "Restrain him!"

"What is the _**point**_ anymore?!" As he continued to protest, he felt a sharp pain at the base of his neck.

"Are you certain about this?" The third man asked, looking down at the now unconscious man in his arms.

"Yes... if I can at least save one timeline it’s worth dying a few minutes earlier. Now _go!_ "

.xxx.

He dreaded this. He truly did. He knew exactly what he was going to do was going to do to Videl, but he _had_ to do it. He had to break her heart.

The Son had told himself over and over that this was for the best. Videl deserved better, if he did it sooner it wouldn’t hurt as much compared to if he did it later. The sooner he got this over with, the sooner Videl could move on, she was just wasting her life on him. Yet, despite all of these reasons, it still felt so wrong.

**_You should have never been with her in the first place._ **

He knew that he was selfish, _needy, **desperate.**_ It needed to end.

_**But it was so hard.** _

He could remember the peaceful bliss he had with her, that relief and that _hope!_

**_But it was all a lie._ **

Gohan knew better, and that little fantasy he built for himself was falling apart at the seams. The nightmares had returned, the _memories_ were resurfacing, and the **darkness** was back. He had no clue as to why either.

He once more repeated the reasons to himself once more he told himself that this was the right thing to do. That, yes, he had to do this.

**Since when have you ever done the right thing?**

_Blinding, sheering light._

Gohan held his head, begging the memory to go away.

_Screams of terror._

“Go away... go away...”

_”Goodbye Gohan.”_

He _needed_ to set this right!

“Gohan?”

Great, now even Sharpener had noticed!

“Are you alright?”

Lying never really was his strong suit... “Yeah...” He winced. “I’ve just been having trouble sleeping lately. End up dreaming awake now.” Oh, he most certainly hoped that would never be the case...

“Maybe you should get that checked out man. Certainly they’ve gotta have some meds for that or something. If it gets any worse that is.”

“Nah...” Gohan had to rub his hair. Sharpener didn’t know that he wasn’t completely human... Only Videl did, that sweet girl. Never shunning him for what he was... “I don’t really like taking medication. I’ll look into some teas however.”

“Good idea!”

Gohan sighed in relief, at least he was able to fool Sharpener. Videl on the other hand... she was looking at him. She didn’t believe him one bit... He resisted another sigh and looked at the clock.

_**Well he knew one way to get her to leave him alone...** _

Hastily Gohan scribbled on a scrap of paper.

_Meet me on the roof after class._

The half saiyajin hesitated. He took in a breath and closed his eyes before tossing the paper at Videl. It had taken him all morning to work up the courage to write a simple note... But it was now or never...

.+++.

“So you finally decided to tell me?” The daughter of Hercule Satan asked indignantly, her hands on her hips.

_**She’s the spitting image of Mom...** _

Gohan shook that thought from his mind.

“Well?”

And out came that sigh he had been holding back... "It's just - let's just leave it as a haunt from my past.... I already know what you would say. It would be no different than what everybody else has already said, and not even they understood.” When Videl was about to protest, Gohan shook his head. “That is not what I called you up here for.”

He exhaled. _**Now or never Gohan. Now or never... Remember. This is for her. She deserves better. Remember that.**_ “Videl I... listen. I love you...”

There was a heavy sigh of relief and tense laughter. “What? Is that it? Here I thought it was something serious! I already—”

“Videl let me finish.” He couldn't help but chew his lip nervously. “I-I...”   
Hard. This was too hard. Maybe if he tried a different approach? “You know already. I know you do. It’s in your eyes. The way you react, you’ve been guessing all along, but I have been too blind until now." Yes, yes this was easier. "I love you Videl, but not in the right way.”

As he explained, he knew he was right. The realization sparked in her eyes, tears forming, the way her head shook in denial.

_**She didn’t want to believe it either.** _

“Y-You’re joking right? Or maybe we just need more time!” Her voice cracked with emotion. “Yeah! That’s it!”

“It’s been a year Videl...”

“I can wait! And even if you’re right it’s—”

“ _Don’t_ even say it Videl! I’m not going to let you settle! You deserve so much more...” Gohan placed his hands on her shoulders, looking in her eyes. “You would be so empty inside. Even if we did continue this, if we grew old together, had a family... you would be so _empty_. I don’t want that for you.”

“Gohan, _please!_ I’ve accepted that already. And you’re so powerful, and—”

He offered a sad smile and brushed away one of her tears. He knew she would protest. He knew she would try to convince him that she was okay with it. But he was prepared for this too. “Have I ever told you that I hate fighting?”

The comment shocked Videl. “Wh-What?” She said as she looked up at him with puffy blue eyes.

“I’ve hated it all of my life, but I’ve learned to accept it overtime. Even now, I hesitate to fight, I cringe when the first blows are made. I made the decision to fight to protect, and I have to live with it. But _you_ don’t have to accept things as they are Videl. Marrying me is a choice that won’t save the world. Would you really sacrifice a truly happy, passionate love over a content, calm one? Would you willingly let something go even when you haven’t yet experienced it? You’re a fiery woman, you need a raging waterfall, not a trickling stream. Besides,” Gohan gave her another sad smile, “I notice that hope. Even if you’ve accepted my passivity, you still hope, you still want - just as I hope and I want my enemies to shake my hand and go away peacefully even though I know it will never happen.”

Grabbing the fabric of his shirt, Videl sobbed into it. “G-Gohan... Pl-I love-You.”

“Shh...” Gohan said and wrapped an arm around her in comfort. “I know you do, and I do too, but in a different way. Because I do, I need to end _us_ , I need to let you find **true** happiness.”

Videl clenched his shirt tighter in her fists as her sobs increased in volumes and strength.

Gohan’s face fell with guilt as he let her sob against him.

.+++.

Following lunch, Gohan had sat away from his friends, and he had asked for them to stay with Videl. She needed the consoling, not he. Of course, it did hurt him, but this was something that had to be done. It was her heart that was broken not his. (It was his fantasy that was broken instead.)

It had taken him longer than usual to go home.

He had not taken the usual route, but instead wandered around, lost in thought. And tired. Oh so tired...

When he had finally arrived at home, he could see those looks of concern on his father’s and Goten’s identical face. He knew. He knew that they knew something was wrong. They could feel his Ki. The way it weakened day by day, the way it heightened in the middle of the night... 

_That look of concern... it only made matters worse._

“I’m fine...” 

What else could he say? His father... Goku. No. Not ever. He could never tell his father. _Never._

_He could see the disappointment in his eyes._

“Gohan...”

His emotions were making him...

_Explode._

Gohan ran into his room.

.+++.

_Again! Again! It happened again!_

_“How dare you!”_

_As those words were screamed out into the air, he couldn’t help but feel that they were directed to somebody else..._

It was a scream that woke him up that night.

Sleep... sleep... all he wanted was to sleep. A night of peaceful, uninterrupted sleep. For everything to just… _stop._

How much longer could he last?

It had been so long since he last had these bouts, but he still remembered. As a kid, his mother watched him like a hawk, but whenever he visited Capsule Corp, he could always grab some coffee or tea. (Without his mother knowing of course.)

Now, he was considering it on a more frequent basis. The lack of sleep, the stress... it was getting to him.

Sleep.

Peace.

Happiness.

Such things were unobtainable by him, weren’t they? And now... he had given it all up when he told Videl...

“Gohan...”

As he looked up in shock, he feared that it was his father - but no, it was his younger brother at his door.

“I heard you screaming...”

It broke his heart to see the young boy like this. Children...

_That is all that he was. A child._

Gohan winced at the recollection.

_A child who had too much responsibility._

_A child who cared too much._

Gohan held his head. “Shut up...” He whispered to himself. “Shut up....”

“B-Big brother?”

Gohan’s eyes widened. “Goten! No! I’m sorry... I meant...” He sighed and gave a weak smile. “I was not talking to you.”

“Who were you talking to then?” That innocent head tilted.

_**Myself.**_ And that thought honestly terrified him. “My nightmare.”

"You have them a lot... I remember it before Dad came back... You had so many..."

Oh how it _hurt_ to know that Goten even knew.

"Dad doesn't know...does he?" There was a hand holding his. "Brother..." The grip was firm. "Did you want to sleep in my bed? That helps me. You want my teddy?"

**_Innocence. Pure. Untainted. That is what a child should be._ **

There was a weak smile and a shake of his head. Gohan squeezed his brother's hand gently. "I don't want to sleep again Goten. Thank you though. You should go back to sleep."

"But Gohan! Sleep is important!" So much worry in those eyes.

_He was to blame._

_It was his fault._

_His fault. His fault._

**It's your fault. You're to blame. It's because of you. Your fault. Weak. Useless. You can't do it. You failed. Failure.**

"Big brother...? You're crying..."


	6. 5. Success

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Finally, getting to the plot.

_Success_

The very word itself was so controversial. For it could mean one thing to one person, but the complete opposite to another.

Sometimes he doubted if they had _truly_ succeeded.

.+++.

Gohan let Goten fall asleep in his bed as he watched over the sleeping child. He couldn’t deny that he was jealous of his brother born in peace. Of the fact that his brother only had one, sole terrifying enemy in his life. Of the fact that his brother had only viewed it as a _game._ For the youngest Son truly enjoyed fighting.

_**So much unlike him.** _

He supposed however, that he could not fault Goten, and the boy had, in exchange for peace, not known his father for the first seven years of his life. So jealousy really had no right being there. Envy did not belong. There had been a price.

_**It just was not fair. But life never was.** _

_How_ could he have not known that Goten didn't know? _How_ could he have not noticed that Goten didn't see what was happening to him? Children were always so observant. Children always cared so much. He _knew_ that far too intimately, and yet... yet he just _didn't see_ it.

_**He chose not to.** _

It was _because_ he knew it so intimately that he didn't see it. Because he just _wanted to forget._

He wanted freedom. Yet, deep down, he _knew._ He knew, deep down, that he would never, truly be free. And, so, he went with the façade of freedom. He went with the blindness. He _pretended_ not to know.

**_It hurt less._ **

Because what was done, was done, and there was no changing it. What he did, _what he didn't do_ , it was all in the past... He would live with it for the rest of his life. He would have to bear that responsibility, because it was _his_ to bear. It was _his_ mistake...

**You failed.**

Yes, yes he did...

.+++.

Gohan spent all of the day at school on his own. Occasionally Sharpener or Erasa would check up on him, but he would smile and say he was fine. And it was the honest truth. Well... at least when it came to him and Videl. Certainly, yes, he _missed_ it. He missed his illusion, he missed his peace, and he truly wanted it back. But _no._ It wasn’t right.

(And no, he was not fine at all. His life was far from ‘fine.’ But that was something that he wouldn’t tell them. That he wouldn’t tell anyone.)

He _was_ glad though that his friends were concerned, and that they cared. That they wanted _both_ their friends to be fine. However, the lack of his happiness and his peace was something he could not concern them with. It was because they could never understand it. No _human_ could.

Certainly, speaking to his father might have been an option. But no. That option was gone. Ever since... Since... Because...

**It’s your fault.**

No. He’d never tell his dad.

And besides, even _if_ that option _was_ explorable, his father was not like him. Goku was carefree. Goku worried very little. And Goku liked fighting. Even if he told his father, Goku would probably shrug it off. He’d say it didn’t matter.

_**Just like everybody else had.** _

With a resigned sigh, Gohan returned home.

“Gohan!”

Gohan hadn’t expected the excited greeting, and as he blinked in confusion, his mother had looked around with that same expression.

“Gohan?” There was a tilt of Chi-Chi’s head, and then her face turned into a stern expression. “Gohan! Just where is my daughter to be?”

He had paused at the question, and quizzed his mind at just _what_ his mother meant before dread filled him. Oh no... Videl was coming over today. It was a celebration his mother had decided a few months back. Since it had been a year since the two of them had met.

At least, that was what was supposed to happen…

But there was no way Videl was coming over - that is even if she still remembered in her grief. They weren’t _together_ anymore and that is what this was supposed to be celebrating.

“ _Gohan._ ” His mother scolded, her finger pointing accusingly at him. “Did you forget?”

“It… may have slipped my mind?”

That, at the very least, was true. Today had been the _last_ thing on his mind. (No, it was preoccupied by _other_ , darker thoughts. It was clouded by exhaustion and stress and this... _hopelessness._ It had been distracted by his nightmares, by the break-up, by dealing with his friends and excuses and...)

“Goodness gracious! What am I going to do with you! Now you go and—”

“Mom...”

“Don’t you ‘ _Mom_ ’ me! Now—”

“Mom!” Gohan sighed heavily in relief when finally his mother crossed her arms and gave him that look to hurry it up. “She’s not coming.”

It was Chi-Chi’s turn to sigh - although it was more like a groan - as one of her hands went to her forehead (the other settling on her hip) and she shook her head. “Let me guess, you two got into a fight?” She accused and quickly pointed a finger at him sternly. “That is no way you should be treating your future wife! Go apologize right now to her young man!”

“No, that’s not it. Mom! Let me finish!” Oh sometimes he hated how bull-headed his mother could be! “We _broke up_. Yesterday.”

Disbelief was soon replaced with shock as the woman heard just what her son had said. “Wh-What?” She uttered out and her form began to stagger.

“My baby’s future just...”

Goku had blurred into existence as Chi-Chi placed her hand on her forehead. He caught his fainting wife before she hit the ground.

“O-oh...”

As Goku began to place Chi-Chi onto the ground gently he lifted his head towards the house. “Goten?” When the youngest Son zipped out of the house, confusion written all over those innocent features, Goku continued. “Can you take your mom into the house and look after her? Put her in the couch and place a cold towel on her head. I need to talk with Gohan.”

“Mmn!” There was a nod of that Son-styled hair and Goten quickly did as his dad instructed.

Gohan had watched in dread as his mother fainted from shock. (He had heard that it was not an uncommon occurrence from the others, but it still didn’t make him feel any better) He had watched as his father took control of the situation, frozen to the spot. He had watched as the worry was plastered over his little brother’s face.

**It’s your fault. It’s your fault.**

The half-saiyajin bit his lip. _**It was the right thing to do. It was the right thing to do.**_ He repeated in his head, trying to convince himself that he didn’t screw up - _again._ It was so hard to believe as his brother was carrying their unconscious mother into their house. As his father was looking at him with concern in his black eyes. _**It was the right thing to do.**_

**You can't trust your own judgement.**

Gohan winced; he looked away from that gaze. “I...”

Out of the corner of his eye, Gohan could see Goku shaking his head before a firm arm wrapped around his back. Then Goku led them over to the riverbed near their house, sitting down and gesturing him to follow. “Why don’t you start at the beginning Gohan? What happened between you and Videl? I thought you were happy with her.”

“I - ah...” Gohan said awkwardly and sat down with his father. “Yes, I was happy, but - well... what it was, was what _didn’t_ happen, and not what happened.” At his father’s confused face, Gohan realised with woe that he had to elaborate. “I... misread my emotions. What I thought was love wasn’t. I wasn’t passionate, where she was. And she deserves more than what I can offer. I want her to be happy Dad. And I’m too passive for her to do that.”

There were a few thoughtful hums coming from Goku as he listened to his son’s words. Near the end of it, he placed his hand on his shoulder. “Gohan you do realize though... that with your strength...”

Gohan nodded with a cringe. Yes. He had thought of this. Videl was the closest person he could probably ever truly have a relationship with. _**That was human anyway.**_ However, even considering that, Gohan knew that it wasn’t right. He did not feel for her the way she felt for him, and that was what was the issue here. Nothing else had mattered. “I know Dad, but, I just don’t feel for her the way I should. Our relationship was nothing like what you and Mom have. I... I mean I can see us together, having a family, but,” Gohan shook his head, “she wouldn’t be happy. Truly happy. I do not give her what she wants, and she deserves so much better than that. I love her yes, but not like a lover. Like a brother would, or a best friend. I didn’t realize that at first because she made me happy, but I do now. I mean... can you see yourself dating...” Gohan struggled for a name. “Krillin?” Wait that sounded wrong, and could end badly so he quickly corrected himself, his hands flailing in the air. “Er - or Bulma?”

There were more nods from his father, however an awkward laughter broke the silence and Goku rubbed the back of his hair. “No, No. I see what you mean son.” There was a grin on his face. “You did the right thing, and I’m sure your mom will see that too eventually.” The hand that had been on his shoulder squeezed gently and reassuringly.

_**You did the right thing.** _

Gohan hid his wince. How, oh _how_ he had longed to hear just those words... “Thanks Dad.” _**If only we had been talking about something else...**_

.xxx.

(Three Days Ago)

“Hmph...” Vegeta said as he stared into the sky with recognition. “What does that brat want now?”

Trunks looked up when his father paused in their sparring session, and then followed that gaze. There was something very strange in the sky, it almost looked like a ship. Strange... it wasn’t there a moment ago. He turned to see his Mother standing at the door, her smoke dropping from her hand. “Mom! Mom!” He hollered out, running up to her. “There’s this strange ship in the sky!” He tugged on her arm, trying to get her attention, but even her eyes were glued to that strange object in the sky.

“Trunks...?” His mother whispered, her gaze still fixed on the ship.

Frustrated, the boy floated up and waved his hand in front of her face, struggling to get her attention. “Mom? Mom? Earth to Mom!”

This seemed to snap her out of her daze. “Oh! Trunks!” Bulma exclaimed and looked at her son. “Sorry, you were saying?”

“Hmph!” Trunks repeated after his father and crossed his arms, clearly not pleased. There was a pout on his face. However, it didn’t last for too long - just only to let his mother know that he was displeased with her behaviour - and he soon pointed to the ship in the sky that was now making its way to the ground. “Whassat?” He slurred the words together.

“That?” Thankfully it seemed looking at the ship didn’t distract his mother again. However there was this strange smile on her face. Like she was remembering something happy. “Oh, it’s a ship that belongs to a good friend of ours. He helped save our world. And did you know that, if it weren’t for him, Goten wouldn’t have even been born?” Bulma ruffled her young son’s hair before she began to move towards the ship that had now landed.

Trunks followed, still floating in the air. He watched as his mother’s smile quickly faded into one of concern when the ship didn’t open. Was it supposed to open?

Bulma’s walk soon turned into a run and she peered into the glass dome. “Trunks?!” She screamed out and hit the glass. “Trunks?! Wake up!”

The boy blinked, rather confused. Just... what was his mother saying?

Next, his mother began to press a button, her actions becoming frantic as it didn’t seem to work. Then, she tried, in vain, to force the lid open. When she realized her actions were futile, she slammed her fists into the glass. “Vegeta!” She cried out. “Trunks isn’t moving! The ship won’t open! Vegeta!”

“...Mom?” Had she gone crazy? He was perfectly fine, so why was she saying that he wasn’t moving? Why was she telling him to wake up? “Dad?” He looked up at his father who was now approaching the ship slowly. “What’s going on?”

However, Vegeta ignored his son’s question and instead turned to Bulma. “Relax woman, the brat’s alive.” And with ease, he gently moved her aside and lifted up the glass dome. “See?” With a sigh, the saiyajin prince placed his hands in his pockets and walked away.

Trunks moved over to take a closer look at this friend his parents were so worried about. _**Strange...**_ The boy thought while looking at a man in his twenties with hair the same shade as his. _**He kinda looks like me...**_

There was a sigh of relief from his mother, however she still placed her fingers on the man’s neck, and when she found what she was looking for, her body finally fully relaxed.

“Mom? Just who is this man?”

Bulma blinked in recognition. She did it again! Totally forgot all about him! “Oh, Trunks, this is... well it’s a long story, but he’s you, only from the future. How about I tell you about it once we get him into the house?”

.xxx.

_He was the last one. The only one. Part of him wondered: why did they not go to New Namek? Why did they not revive everybody? Or did they truly think it was hopeless? Did they not think they had enough time? Or was he now the strongest one? Did they not look down and see what he had achieved?_

_He had heard the stories of training in the afterlife, so certainly..._

_So why?_

_**Perhaps they were only distractions...** _

He woke up, gasping for breath, his body trembling. He had to do something! He had to! He had to—

_Gone. Gone. He was gone **forever.**_

A scream ripped out of his throat.

Footfalls came rushing up the stairs and to his door and his door opened and there was a woman in the doorway and, “Trunks! Are you alright!”

It was his mother.

_Dead. Dead. She was dead._

“You - but - how?”

She sat next to him. 

_Dead. Dead. She was gone. After she tried. Tried so hard. It was all for nothing. Nothing. It didn’t matter anymore._

Her hand cupped his cheek, rubbing at...

Tears? He was crying?

“Trunks, dear?”

He truly didn’t understand just what was going on. He was so confused. But aside from just _how_ this could even be happening, Trunks felt that something was wrong. _No..._ It wasn’t wrong. Just... _not right._ It was different. Mother... she looked so... healthy? Strong? Happy? _Young._

_”Charge your time machine. Keep it at maximum capacity.”_

He was in the past...

_**Something... Something... I have something to do. Important. It was important. Back in time. Last resort. Only way.** _

Trunks groaned and held his head. It hurt! No more! Please! Stop!

The world swerved and he suddenly could hear a distinct _thump. Thump. Thump._ He recognised it. It was his mother’s heart. Beating. Soft. Kind. _Alive._

“Shh... Shh...” Familiar hands were stroking his hair. A soft, nostalgic melody was hummed. Mom. Home. Yes, that’s where he was. “I’m here my boy.”

He didn’t know how long they stayed like that, but eventually his mother lifted his chin and rubbed away the residual tears. “Can you tell me what is wrong?”

_Gone. Gone. Everything was gone._

His throat felt raw.

" ** _Buu._** "


End file.
